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The best part of this song? Marq Torein is out of tune by the second word.

With all the debate raging over Inception (which, apparently, you either love completely or you’re an infidel) I thought it was time to put into words my feelings on Christopher Nolan’s last film which everyone loved.  And why it’s ok, but not great.

Let’s start this off with, I haven’t seen Inception.  I probably won’t see Inception.  I’ve seen four Christopher Nolan films.  I think that’s enough.  I think he may be the most overrated director ever.  Not that he’s bad, but I don’t get the genius that everyone else throws out at him.  I mean, Memento – once you got passed the hook of it being a movie running backwards – was boring, rote and full of holes and The Prestige.  That one just hurt (although, casting David Bowie as Nicola Tesla was genius, I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me if Bowie was conducting mad scientist experiments in his own basement for real).

Then there’s Batman Begins.  To understand what’s wrong with The Dark Knight you have to go back to the beginning.  For Batman Begins Nolan’s stated plan was to remove everything that didn’t make sense about Batman operating in the real world.  So, we don’t get a lot of iconic Batman shots, like Batman swinging from roof to roof as his primary form of transportation.  But we do get a lot of stuff that makes sense like a 10 ton armored assault vehicle driving on roofs with no respect to building codes or physics, Katie Holmes and a guy dressed like a giant, rubber bat…with a cape.

Robble robble robble

See, that was the problem, he wanted to make something that doesn’t make sense, that can’t make sense, make sense. Things only got worse with The Dark Knight.  It is a serious movie.  A very serious movie.  Watching this movie, I feel, was like staring into the same black hole of despair that a 13 year old, suburban goth girls stare into the first time they hear Fascination Street.  There was absolutely no joy to be had here.  At almost no point there was nothing to smile about, nothing to be delighted about.  It’s a funny book movie without an ounce of funny, without a second of relief.

There’s an anime series called Full Metal Alchemist.  The first thing that happens in the series is the heroes’ mother dies when they are 10 and 14 years old.  That is the least depressing thing in the entire series.

The Dark Knight was Christopher Nolan watching FMA, going, “Fuck that, why are there these moments of joy and happiness in it?” then ripping all of those out.  The movie was physically oppressive.  Which is true mostly because.

Christopher Nolan doesn’t understand the Joker.

To be fair this complaint is comic book geeky, but I think it’s valid.  The Joker, aka the Clown Prince of Crime, believes that he is funny.  That’s been a consistent part of his characterization for as far as I can remember.  Not only does the Joker think he’s funny, but he wants everyone else to think he’s funny.  But The Dark Knight’s Joker can’t be bothered with being funny, he’s busy being an “agent of chaos.”  Right, yeah.  It didn’t have to be that way, “the pencil trick,” set up a Joker who, you know, joked, but it was a throw away gag and the last bit of humor to be found.

Oh yeah, also:

Wait 'til they get a loada me.

Plus

Don't do it...not even once

Equals

Why so serious?

My wife actually pointed that out.  I spent and entire movie trying to figure out why Ledger’s Joker was so familiar to me.  Because he wasn’t playing The Joker.  He was playing Jack Nicholson playing The Joker.  The difference is, Tim Burton got the characterization right.

But even all of that I’d have forgiven.  Yes, yes I would have.  Until this.

Dear Christopher Nolan,

I made my way through the vast majority of The Dark Knight (which I paid extra to see in IMAX) without ending my own life due to its complete lack of anything resembling joy and its apparent desire to out “grim n’ gritty” the entire comics output of the 90s.  But then I got to the one scene. You know the one, where Harvey Dent is laying in his hospital bed, suffering injuries that would have killed a mortal normal sensical real man wondering why he was played by Billy Dee Williams in the first two films, but replaced by Tommy Lee Jones the second the role became a major one and out of nowhere the man who killed the woman he loves shows up.

and hands him a gun

and convinces him that he should seek revenge/take out his rage on people who had nothing to do with killing his girlfriend, especially the ones who tried to save her life.  But he should, in no way kill the man who not only actually killed his girlfriend, but prevented everyone else from saving her by using l33t supervillan skillz.

THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

Can you please explain it to me?

Thank You,
G. Edward Jones, Jr.

A salve'll take care of that

Dear G. Edward,

Thank you for paying extra to see The Dark Knight in IMAX.  I’m sure you can agree that, like all of my movies, it has an internal logic that doesn’t hold up under the most rudimentary scrutiny, but on IMAX it looks orgasmicly amazing.  Also, enough people handed over the extra sheckles to buy me a brand new Phantom Drophead.

To answer your question. BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY! I’m CHRISTOPHER FUCKING NOLAN!

I do, however, apologize deeply for The Prestige, that was just doo doo.

Sincerely,
Christopher Nolan

Yup, exactly what I thought.

So, news broke this week that Edwin Delarosa and Tom White quit Fit to go ride for Skavenger.  Skavenger (correct me if I’m wrong) started as Edwin and Vinnie Sammon’s crew, then a sticker company, then a clothing company, now it looks to be an Animal affiliated frame and parts brand.  If you haven’t read it already, Vinnie has an interview about the whole thing up on ESPN.

Two questions immediately come to mind about this situation.  The first is the obvious, does BMX need another frame/parts company?  I mean, let’s be 100% honest here, BMX frames are now differentiated almost entirely on image.  30 years ago you could tell the difference between a GT Performer and a Haro Freestyler (but not necessarily between a Freestyler and a Torker). 15 years ago you could tell the difference between GT Show and a Huffy Full Ton. Today every bike has more or less the exact same frame design and more or less the exact same geometry.  So, a company’s image is the thing.

Kind of like skateboarding.

But the thing is, the slightly grimy, NYC centric, street only, brakeless X amount of pegs image that Animal has went from being Animal’s image in BMX to being the image of BMX (well, except, maybe, the NYC centric part).  In an odd way, by launching Skavenger as a frame brand now, Edwin, Vinnie and Ralph are showing up late to their own party.  I wonder how that’s going to work out.

The second question is where does this leave Fit?  While Edwin’s departure seemed like it was a lot more professional/on better terms than when Robbie grabbed everyone who gives the teenage boys hard-ons, without Ed and Tom Fit’s pro team looks like this:

• Mike Aitken
• Brian Foster
• Eddie Cleveland
• Van Homan
• Justin Inman

Now, the cynical part of me likes to point out that Fit almost certainly exists so that Moeller could move into the lower/entry level market with imported bikes without abandoning S&M’s “buy American made or you’re a loser!!!!” image.  To whit, Fit has always had a team comprised of hot, young riders.  Kind of like Menudo there was always some hot new rider waiting in the wings to get a push from Fit.  When part of your deal is selling bikes at a $200 price point this is just good business.

But now the fit Pro team is almost old school. Meanwhile, with two exceptions every single pro on S&M is between 24 and 26.  Which is to say the old man brand is now young and the youngster brand is now old.

Hmmmm

Not that this’ll last forever.  I’m guessing Fit’s still ridiculously profitable and they’re going to make the moves necessary to stay that way.  Still, as it sits right now everything’s upside down. Again I say hmmmmm.

It’s hard not to love this video.  The funny thing about it, not so much that my wife can’t stop walking around doing Hamster dances.  But that how much it takes me back to every hip-hop video in the early 90s.  It also makes me glad that I started shaving my head in about 88 – 89 (the asymmetrical high top fade is the Black Man’s Mullet, folks).

Also, I totally need one of those hamster hats.

Anyway, compare the advertisement to the original video.  Yeah. Awesome.

Look, I know I let you down by missing last Monday.  Let me make it up to you.  I don’t know why she’s famous, and she may actually be completely vapid.  but, you know, damn.

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I’ll translate the below statement found on Engadget, “Dear Steve Jobs, go fuck yourself.”

Apple’s attempt to draw RIM into Apple’s self-made debacle is unacceptable. Apple’s claims about RIM products appear to be deliberate attempts to distort the public’s understanding of an antenna design issue and to deflect attention from Apple’s difficult situation. RIM is a global leader in antenna design and has been successfully designing industry-leading wireless data products with efficient and effective radio performance for over 20 years. During that time, RIM has avoided designs like the one Apple used in the iPhone 4 and instead has used innovative designs which reduce the risk for dropped calls, especially in areas of lower coverage. One thing is for certain, RIM’s customers don’t need to use a case for their BlackBerry smartphone to maintain proper connectivity. Apple clearly made certain design decisions and it should take responsibility for these decisions rather than trying to draw RIM and others into a situation that relates specifically to Apple.

So, yesterday Steve Jobs had a press release which he screamed “other people’s phones do this too!!!! There is no problem!!!!! THERE IS NO PROBLEM!!!!!! Here’s the fix to the problem…which does not actually exist

I’m not sure when Steve Jobs became the giant head on the screen in the 1984 commercial, but he pretty much officially is.

But I get ahead of myself.

Apple released a phone with two exposed antennae.  This, in itself is not a bad thing.  Exposed antennae are better than the internal ones.  You get better reception out of them.  Of course, since the human body has capacitive/resistive/conductive properties of its own, you tend not to put antennas where people can touch them.  Unless you’re Apple, then you just put them where they look best, which in this case was where most normal people (and all left handed people) would hold the phone.

This is because, despite Steve Jobs’ line  Apple is not an engineering company, it’s a design company.

No, Google is an engineering company, you can tell this because all of their products look like ass and they never leave beta.  Apple’s biggest asset is that it stuff looks really, really good and their products almost always leave the nest half cooked (who needs MMS? It’s not like you’re going to want to sharepictures you took with your phone camera!)

And that was the problem with the iPhone 4, not that the human body’s capacitance would attenuate the phone signal.  Yes, I can replicate the problem on my phone (an AT&T Tilt 2/HTC Touch Pro 2).  The problem is that in making the phone look good Apple put the antennae in a place where the problem would almost *have* to happen (again, while I can replicate the problem on my phone, it requires holding the phone at the top in an eagle claw type way that no sane person would ever do because it’s both uncomfortable and impractical). This is simple physics and no antenna engineer wouldn’t have raised an alarm at this.

Worse is that it took loads of public shaming to get Apple to release a limited mea culpa  for an issue that Jobs admitted that they knew was an issue before the phone was even shipped.  Their previous fixes of “don’t hold it like that” and “give us $30 for a bumper” displayed a hubris, a sheer douchebaggiosity that even Apple fanboys and fangirls found distasteful.

So, does this mean that the famed Reality Distortion Field is shrinking?  Possibly, but probably not.  If there’s one thing Apple fans have proven is their ability to take anal rape with a smile.  Thing is, most iPhone owners aren’t hardcore Apple fans, those are the people that Apple has to learn how to deal with.  Will they?  We’ll see.

In celebration of the announcement of Mega Python vs. Gatoroid which will surely be one of the worst movies ever made…

Maria Brink’s band, In This Moment has been getting worse and worse as time goes on.  This has been made up for by her near insistence of showing off her massive cleave as time goes on.

Eh, honestly, I’d trade them in for a half decent album, but, you know.