50 Shades a Dey Part 2: The Asshole Convention

It’s day two of me reading Twilight fan fiction cum erotic romance best seller, 50 Shades of Grey.  It is clear to me now that I hate myself.  It’s the only reason I can explain doing this.  Oh and a friend of mine asked me to and since she’s going through a rough patch and my pain appears to make her laugh I’m toughing it out.  Because I’m a fragging mensch, I am.

I’ve read chapters four and five without putting a gun to my head.  Ready. Set. Go!

So, here’s the thing, below is the entirety of what happened in the fourth and fifth chapters of this book.

Isabella Swan Anastasia Steele (wait, the hell, she didn’t even change THE NUMBER OF SYLLABLES IN THE PROTAGONIST’S NAME this is the laziest shit ever.  No wait, I’m sure that she did so to protect the delicate meter of the…no, seriously, I can’t even finish that sentence, laughing too hard.  Moving on) goes to work at the mom & pop hardware store where she knows everything about everything they sell, but she doesn’t actually use tools, she leaves that to her dad, because penis. Christian Grey “just happens to be in in the area” and stops by the store to stalk the fuck out of Ana pick up items which could be used for home improvement, disposing of a body or a fun time in the ol’ pleasure dungeon.  He then slips Ana his cell phone number.

KATHERINE KAVANAUGH bullies Jose’ (in the one sentence which he is mentioned that doesn’t include the phrase “Dios mio!”) into taking pictures of Christian Grey, billionaire.  This was the one scene in the entire book that was relatable to me.  Jose is a thing photographer who is being forced to shoot people.  I am a people photographer, but The Mrs. very much so thinks that I should shoot more stuff, despite me having almost no actual aptitude for that type of photography. KATHERINE KAVANAUGH also bullies Anastasia into calling Christian Grey to set up the photo shoot.

After the photo shoot, during which Jose and Grey (hey, that rhymes!) have a pissing contest (Grey is constantly screaming “MY DICK IS BIGGER!!!!!” figuratively) he goes to have tea with Ana and by “tea” I mean “he badgers the living hell out of her about her past but gets annoyed when she asks the same.  So she runs away and almost gets hit by a “cyclist,” possibly a tricyclist going the wrong way on the street, which is terrible.  After this terrifying ordeal Grey refuses to kiss her so Ana does the most normal thing a woman can do, she gets completely shitfaced and drunk dials him to ask why he’s sending her mixed signals.  He uses this opportunity to STALK THE FUCK OUT OF HER and have his brother cock block KATHERINE KAVANAUGH’s boyfriend.

The mind reels.

Problem Number One: Anastasia Steele is Not That Hot

One of the problems with writing a book in the first person is that if the narrator is wrong you have to show that she’s wrong.  In this case the narrator describes herself as a too skinny, too pale girl with bad hair who falls down a lot.  There is not a single sentence in this book that has so far lead me to believe otherwise.  In fact, she has fallen down at least once in every chapter of this book.

So why the hell is every guy in this book trying to get in them drawz?

No, seriously, Jacob – the hot, shirtless werewolf Jose – the hot, stereotypical Mexican wants her bad.  Her boss’ brother, who is handsome in an all American boy type of way and is home from Princeton wants her.  Christian Grey, billionaire, wants her.  There are literally, five men in this book, three of them want Anastasia and two of them want KATHERINE KAVANAUGH.

Look, I get women with insane body images.  I have a buddy who, literally, looks like a model who is 100% self conscious about her height.  I have a buddy who is adored by men and women alike because she’s is like the cutest woman in the universe and, easily, looks half her age.  She obsesses about the gray hair that she dyes anyway.  People see what they want to see in the mirror.

But besides a single, “I told you you’re a babe,” from KATHERINE KAVANAUGH we aren’t shown anything to make us believe that Anastasia is anything other than what she thinks she is.

She’s also a moron.

Problem 2: DIOS MIO!

Behaviorally, Jose is a straight up stereotype.  He shouts “Dios mio!” whenever he’s surprised.  When everyone goes out to drink he buys everyone a round of Tequila.  If Jose was Black he’d have brought over watermelon and fired chicken.  I LIKE watermelon and fried chicken, but there’s more to me than an oft hilarious blog and stereotypical speech patterns.  The same cannot be said for Jose.

Problem Three: The World Doesn’t Work Like That

This book was not edited.  It’s clear because EL James does not understand how commas work. There are almost no places in this book where a comma is used in a proper, commaly (that’s a made up word) way.  A comma, a semi-colon and parentheses can be largely interchanged.  In this book a comma is used as a stand-in for a period much the same way that in places not America it’s used as a decimal point.  Maybe that’s the confusion?  I don’t know, if I think about it too hard my brain will ooze from my eyeholes.

This can also be seen in the scene where Bella Ana is almost run down by a cyclist.  This word does not mean what the author thinks it means.  In America a “cyclist” refers to a bicyclist, a person who’s pedaling.  Christian Grey, billionaire was completely shaken by the fact that when Ana fell down in the street she was almost hit by a cyclist and he “shudder to think what would have happened.”

Well, the guy on the bike would have gone ass over tea kettle and likely broken an arm or some teeth.  Anastasia would have gotten a bruise.

Unless the “cyclist” was a MOTORcyclist, but that’s not how a girl from Modesto would have used the word.  Oh yeah, middle aged, Brit with no editor. I forgot.

That doesn’t explain how Christian Grey, billionaire was able to find which bar Anastasia drunk dialed him from by “tracing your cellphone.”  I get it, he’s a billionaire.  Apparently he also has a cave and a rubber suit that he wears to run around a fight crime at night.

Lord, that would be so much more interesting.

Problem Why The Hell Am I Counting: Everyone’s an Asshole

No, for real, every character in this book is a giant, unsympathetic asshole of high assholic order.

Christian Grey – you don’t get to be a billionaire without being a dick.  It’s just not possible, unless you’re born a billionaire.  So, yeah, I get it he’s supposed to be an asshole.  But, he’s also a stalker.  He has all the resources in the world and he utilizes them to keep tabs on a thoroughly average (except in intelligence) college student so he can hit on her, then tell her that she should stay away from him and then send her a small fortune worth of first edition novels loved by virginal girls the world over.

KATHERINE KAVANAUGH – Badgers everyone around her in order to get her way.  Blackmails her “friend” into doing a photo shoot of his romantic rival by threatening to keep a story about his first, big art show out of the school paper.  That’s some assholish shit.  It’s revealed that she’s got rich parents and was, basically, raised to be a douche.  So, you know, that’s not stereotypical.

Jose “Dios mio!” Rodriguez – Drunkenly tries to mouthrape Ana.  No, not like that, he tried to kiss her while she was screaming “no, no, no” at him.  Was stopped by Christian Grey who was busy STALKING THE FUCK out of Ana.  Good thing to, girl can’t hold her liquor.

Anastasia Steele – Actually not an asshole, just really, really dumb

I still don’t know what’s going to last longer this book or my will to live while reading it.

No, no I do.

See you tomorrow.