50 Shades a Dey Part 4: Someone Please Kill Me, I Murmur

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up.  I keep telling myself that I’m taking this one for the team, that I’m serving the greater good of making a friend laugh while I suffer through this.  I’ve made it up to chapter 10 now.  Shit just got real*.

Look, there really is only one problem.  EL James is to writing what I am to health and fitness.  She continues to use word choices that don’t make sense to describe things that everyone knows.  This become apparent whenever someone in her story gets near a car of any sort.  Cars in this world don’t have stereos, they have MP3 players.

He starts the engine and reverses out of his space in the parking lot. He switches on the MP3 Player.

As opposed to turning on the stereo, because Christian Grey is hella fancy, he’s not rocking a cassette deck with auto reverse.

The music is interrupted by the sound of a cell phone ringing over the MP3 speakers.

What the FUCK is an “MP3 speaker”?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I’m convinced that EL James is trolling me.  Me, specifically, or anyone who’s ever used a gadget, ever.  Or people who live in the actual world.

She also continues to write characters that don’t make any sense.  Ana is thoroughly shocked and amazed by the Flower Duet.  She has never heard it before.


This would require that she’s never, not once, been near a functioning television set between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. Next she’s going to tell me that Ana has never heard “America the Beautiful” or “Yesterday.”

Anastasia Steele is a 21 year old college student who is traumatized by shaving her legs and pits, getting her eyebrows done and having her skin buffed. This is a ritual that most women I know would call “why there’s no hot water left when it’s your turn to take a shower.”  I just don’t…she’s a 21 year old, liberal arts student at a college in the Pacific Northwest.  She’s not only not occasionally bi, she’s so incredibly virginal that she’s never masturbated, hasn’t been kissed and doesn’t understand the standard grooming practices of women in 21st Century America. This is not a judgement call on whether these practices are right or wrong, but you want me to believe that KATHERINE KAVANAUGH’S roommate would not be aware of them?

So, dumb.

I’d like to get into the fact that she signed a non-disclosure agreement to not talk about Christian Grey’s sex life to anyone (Christian Grey’s interests are very singular, we know this because he said so like 70 times).  She takes this to mean that she cannot talk to anyone about sex at all.  She believes this because she is a moron, also because she didn’t read the NDA before signing it – despite being told to read it by Grey, in his only moment of real menschenessitude – because she is a moron.

I’d also like to get into the fact that Christian Grey is just so taken by this, completely virginal, naive and idiotic young woman that he just has to have her, contracts be damned!  Also, I’d like to get into how Ana’s deflowering at the hands of a sadistic dom was not at all awkward or painful or embarrassing and was, in fact, the most awesome sex anyone anywhere has ever had.

Ever

I’d even like to talk a bit about how Christian’s mom showed up at his house while he was, literally, mid-stroke and he jumped up like a puppy dog to go see his mother and introduce her to the woman he had been boning the second she stormed in the door.

I’m not going to go into that, because it makes me want to stick my head in an oven.

I will however go into this.

mur·mur

[mur-mer] Show IPA

noun

1.

a low, continuous sound, as of a brook, the wind, or trees, or of low, indistinct voices.
2.

a mumbled or private expression of discontent.
3.

Also called heart murmur. Medicine/Medical .

a.

an abnormal sound heard on listening to the heart, usually through a stethoscope, produced by the blood passing through deformed cardiac valves.
b.

in some persons a similar sound heard when blood passes through normal valves.
4.

Phonetics . a voice quality in which vibration of the vocal cords is accompanied by the escape of a great deal of air, as in the (h) of ahead;  breathy voice.

verb (used without object)

5.

to make a low or indistinct sound, especially continuously.
6.

to speak in a low tone or indistinctly.

7.

to complain in a low tone or in private.
He murmurs, she murmurs, everyone in this book murmurs.  They murmur in situations that it makes no sense to murmur.  If I lived in the world of Fifty Shades of Grey I would spend my entire life going “Huh? What did you say? What?” No one speaks. No one talks.  Nothing is ever said.  Not a damn person yells.  Everyone murmurs, everything, all the time.  How the hell do you murmur in a helicopter while talking to someone?  Helicopters are not quiet.  The effort was made to make the point that a helicopter is hella loud, and yet, still murmuring. In my head, everyone in this book sounds like Christian Bale’s Batman

Robble robble robble robble robble

Every time I read this book I feel my will to live slipping away.  I’m not even halfway through.
*Bad